We just got back from our Kathmandu trip and it was really restful and encouraging! As we were at our meetings, someone mentioned something about people who move across the ocean sometimes lose their identity…sounds crazy, right? But it’s SO true. I (Beth) think if you’re not real confident in the States, your home culture, you definitely won’t be confident overseas in a foreign culture. I can speak from experience.
I have discovered a lot about myself while living in ‘ol South Asia. For example, I am a germaphobe, I really like structure, I really like being with my husband & kids all day most days (who’da thought?), and I am pretty insecure…
Yup, I said it, I’m pretty insecure…not quite sure why b/c I have an awesome husband, parents, family and friends that encourage, inspire and support me…but maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve time warped back to middle school with an inferiority complex since moving to South Asia. I feel like everyone is watching me and staring at everything I do (but that’s because they are) and I have to be really conscious about what I wear/how I act in public (as to not attract more attention). In this culture, it’s not rude to stare.
So, I feel like I have 2 personalities – Celebrity vs. Freak.
Why Celebrity? I think it’s because I feel like we’re being watched and sometimes even treated like royalty! As I appreciate people’s hospitality, I am not so sure I value the attention. Listen, I know I am no beautiful movie star, nor do I want to be treated like one! I am a normal, God-fearing woman that would like respect and courtesy.
Why Freak? I think it’s because we are some of the few white people that live here…so, people are curious, and they stare. Not just stare. They look until I feel like there’s a hole stared right through me. For example, we walk down the street and people riding their bikes watch us until I almost think their heads will turn 180 degrees! You know you didn’t like getting stared at when you were trying to find a seat in the cafeteria in middle school, right?!
It creates some kind of defensive mechanism inside me. Don’t get me wrong, I like living here. It’s just created some feelings within me that I have had to deal with/am dealing with, and praying how to combat future meltdowns and anger. Praying for the Lord to give me HIS love for these people and to give me confidence in HIM, so that I would not be prideful in myself. B/c I know it’s not going to be my own flesh that loves them. I know it would be easy to be confident in myself. But I want to love and take pride in Jesus, not be dependent upon myself (or others) for strength and reassurance. Whew! It’s a daily combat that we live over here.
Anyways, that’s a little bit of what’s going on my head and about our journey…can you relate?